


spyglass

by spookykingdomstarlight



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games)
Genre: Dragon Age Quest: In Hushed Whispers, F/F, Introspection, Melancholy, Pining, Post-In Hushed Whispers, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-30
Updated: 2018-09-30
Packaged: 2019-07-20 17:49:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16142360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spookykingdomstarlight/pseuds/spookykingdomstarlight
Summary: “Call me Evelyn, please,” she replies, and it’s not what she’d intended to say at all, not at all. In fact, the request brings a blush to her cheeks, embarrassment and need filling her heart so full that it threatens to spill over and further upset the very delicate balance Evelyn has so far managed for herself. “So few people do.”





	spyglass

**Author's Note:**

  * For [DeCarabas](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeCarabas/gifts).



Evelyn cannot look at her now that she’s come back. The future, it still staggers her, and though she’s come to feel like she knows Dorian, she doesn’t know how to trust what he’s said about where they’d gone and what they did. A person could not travel through time. She could not go to the future and change it. But she did go. Unless it had all been a dream, she’d gone. And either way, she could not meet a woman she cared deeply about, gray with torture and scorn and pain, and then come back and see the full glory of her younger self, whole and smooth, and not be changed. She wishes it was that easy, that she could just pretend it never happened.

But Leliana’s own words haunt her; she was right. There was no way she could pretend that future doesn’t exist. Because somewhere it could. Dorian even said it was possible, that somewhere out there, that Thedas still existed and Leliana was still tortured and then killed to save them all. That Leliana had been—or will be—so fierce, so angry, so vibrant even in her hatred and cynicism. And she will be a hero. She will save them all though no one except Dorian and Evelyn will truly now it.

Now, Evelyn sees the shades of that woman in this Leliana’s eyes. When she can’t avert her gaze quickly enough anyway. Or when Leliana goes out of her way to make her look as she does now, standing across the war table from Evelyn, her body twisted forward, head tilted so that she could better look upon Evelyn’s down-turned face. “Herald,” she says, hesitant, maybe a little annoyed. “Are you even listening to me?”

The truth is not what Leliana would have wanted to hear, not the answer she would want based on the question. Yes, Evelyn listens. She listens to the sound of Leliana’s voice, the shape of her words, delicately accented. She listens until she cannot actually hear the words she says. It’s better than remembering what could be, what might be, what will be if Evelyn fails. It is easy to mourn for her friends; even easier still to mourn for Leliana.

“What?” Evelyn asks, her face warming. Leliana is the most observant of her advisers, of the people she’s slowly coming to think of as friends. Of course she’s noticed. She would not be Leliana if she didn’t. “I’m sorry. Of course I was—I’m just tired.”

A smile twitches across Leliana’s pink, perfect lips. Evelyn would capture them in a kiss if she was the daring sort. “You were not,” she answers, sly, “but that is all right. You wouldn’t be the first who’s decided I’m not worth listening to.” With a dramatic sigh, she shakes her head. The red of her hair shines in the candlelight, a tease. Evelyn might like to run her fingers through the smooth, warm strands and here they beckon to her, glinting. “Commander Cullen is especially notorious.”

That isn’t true at all, Evelyn has found, but she doesn’t say it, knowing grace when she’s found it, a good excuse. Leliana rarely cuts anyone slack and Evelyn believes that might be what she’s doing here. Strange that she should, but as she thinks about it, she realizes it’s an out she can’t accept even if it was remotely true. “I don’t think it’s Cullen who’s the worst offender.”

Leliana’s brow arches, like Evelyn has surprised her. That only makes Evelyn feel worse. “Your job is difficult, Herald. I didn’t really mean to give you such a hard time about it.” Her eyes don’t stray though she looks a little stiff and uncomfortable. It’s not so very different from the stiffness that usually accompanies her, her bearing distanced and rigid, but it’s different enough for Evelyn to notice. “I apologize. That was unfair of me.”

“No.” Evelyn brushes the hair out of her eyes, determined. She’s done Leliana no favors of late. It isn’t her fault that this thing is hanging over Evelyn, this vicious knowledge both of the future and of what Evelyn wants as a result of it. She just admires Leliana so much. Everything about her is staggering to Evelyn, who has no experience with lies and secrets and politics, of enemies beyond the small sphere she’d inhabited before. That Leliana could be so strong even in the face of such adversity as they all faced in that terrible future? It humbles Evelyn, whose rarely been humbled in her life. Even within the Circle in Ostwick, she’d had it so much easier than so many of her fellow mages in other regions. She’s never faced anything so brutal and Leliana will have faced far worse with poise and grace; and that Leliana had still placed so much of her hope in Evelyn that Evelyn cannot now do anything but wish to protect Leliana, to do right by her. “You’re right, Leliana.”

Now, Leliana’s brows furrow. “Herald…”

“Call me Evelyn, please,” she replies, and it’s not what she’d intended to say at all, not at all. In fact, the request brings a blush to her cheeks, embarrassment and need filling her heart so full that it threatens to spill over and further upset the very delicate balance Evelyn has so far managed for herself. “So few people do.”

In fact, no one does. She is the Herald or Trevelyan, maybe, but she is Evelyn to no one. She wants to be. She doesn’t feel like a herald or a Trevelyan, the latter not ever, the former, she suspects she’ll feel the same one day. It is true now, of course, but does not have the same history yet.

“Evelyn,” Leliana replies, easy, the vowels rolling ponderously in her mouth. Evelyn wants her to say it again, she doesn’t think she’s heard any sound quite so lovely. But she knows it’s foolish to want that, to ask for it. It would betray too much to do so.

As much as Evelyn hates to admit it, there are more important things in this world than swooning over a gorgeous woman. Back when she was in the Circle, things were a little different. There was time enough for silly thoughts and silly deeds. That isn’t, she knows now, the usual way of things in Circle, but it was her way. Now, there’s just too much to do, too much at stake. She can’t split her attention, though she wants to.

Maybe one day things will be different and she’ll be able to indulge these feelings she has, complicated and tangled though they are with the woman she knows Leliana could become.

Perhaps Leliana senses it, too, because she smiles, just the least bit sad, warmer than Evelyn has ever seen her. It’s a nice smile, private and intimate. It makes Evelyn feel as though she’s been given a gift, the only silly notion she’ll allow herself. _You’re not a child with a crush anymore_ , she told herself.

“Let’s get back to work, shall we?” Evelyn says, bright, perhaps a little too animated. The unnaturalness of it sits awkwardly in her awareness, but she can’t take it back now. “You’re right, I was distracted. I’ll do better. Please continue.”

For a moment, Leliana looks as though she wants to argue, but they both know that there is too much at stake to bother. Evelyn can see the way she files this incident away in her mind, like it’s important intelligence from one of her spies, and wonders when it’ll come back to haunt her. They may not have known one another long, but Evelyn suspects Leliana’s long memory could get anyone into trouble.

Luckily, at least for now, Leliana merely nods and begins reciting her report anew.

This time, Evelyn listens, her attention fully on Leliana’s words and not the sound of her voice, the delicate curve of her lips. It’s easy to do so long as she keeps her mind on the big picture even if it leaves a hole inside of her to deny herself this. A part of her, though, mourns that it has to be this way, that something like this could happen in the world, that she’s the one who’s been marked to save it. It’s all so much, enough to overwhelm her, but she cannot let it.

They have to win.

And when they do, Evelyn thinks she will tell Leliana exactly how she feels about her.

It will be a good end to a bad situation, the only one she’ll want to forge from it.


End file.
